Anxiety Is Not A Choice, But You Can Conquer It
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’ve had quite a few things going on in my life from work to travel to getting my new business up and running. It’s important for me to take a break from that and do something a little different like writing. Anxiety is something I’ve wanted to talk about for awhile. With my closest friends, as of recent, I have been very open about this lifelong issue I’ve battled. I think it gives good insight to why I am the way I am and why I act the way I act. If I’ve ever done something that was out of character for me, it’s probably cause it was, and I allowed my anxiety to control my actions. Another reason for this post is also because I’m sure others have encountered the same issues as me, maybe not quite to the degree I have, but can relate to some extent. It’s always nice to hear you are not alone and be able to see what may have helped others through their challenges. So let’s talk about what my brain goes through when at times I seem so put together on the outside.
Growing up I had so much social anxiety, that I would often not utter a word within a group of kids as I nervously fidgeted thinking about what I should say. There were so many “What ifs” going through my head that I allowed myself to believe that the better thing to do was to never speak what I was thinking. At least that way no one could judge me right? I was so afraid of what people would think of me, that my lack of association with others resulted in me not having a ton of friends, and the friendships that I had were often superficial or forced. For the few people I did become close with, anxiety crippled me in my interactions and relationships with them. When I didn’t perceive someone’s tone or response to me as particularly positive I would start going down a rabbit hole, making up stories in my head about how they were upset about something I did. At times, I would pry and ask them what was wrong, and ultimately, I would create problems that didn’t exist prior. This further cemented the idea in my head that nobody really liked me…not the best feeling for someone who’s constantly anxious right?
Anxiety fuckin sucks…and that’s something I came to realize as I got older, and hit me like a ton of bricks once I moved to The Bay. I moved there with virtually no friends, with the exception of a few that I knew from AZ, and felt incredibly lost and alone...even more than I had before. At that point, I knew that I had to conquer my fears associated with talking to new people and stop overthinking my interactions with those that I was starting to build a bond with.
It took me approximately 3 years to really get to a point where I felt I have control over this feeling, or at least know how to manage it. Here are the few things I’ve come to discover along the way:
Stop thinking you don’t connect with anyone: Going up to a new friendly face, having a good conversation, and maybe even grabbing their contact info to time hang out with them in the future wasn’t as hard as I previously made it out to be. In fact, some of my best friendships have stemmed off of my spontaneity in social interactions.
It’s okay to ask for help: Occasionally asking my friends for their help on a personal issue was often welcomed, not judged. It actually brought me a lot closer to many of my friends and helped build a stronger sense of trust between us.
Diffusion is so important: Take the time to diffuse the bad thoughts that you associate with something, as you see yourself falling into a pattern of thinking. I found that things were a lot more fun, when I stopped worrying about what could go wrong and started thinking about what could go right. Yes I might fail 1/10 times, but those other 9 times feel pretty darn great.
Meaningful interactions, lead to a happier life: A lot of my previous depression had been related to my lack of deep, meaningful interactions with the wonderful human beings around me. Being able to connect with people that were going through many of the same things I was made me feel not so alone.
I had a friend recently tell me, “You are the most extroverted person I know.” I’d like to think of it as I’m more of a forced extrovert that’s facing their fears head on. I still have anxiety to this day, but every day I tell myself to stop worrying about the potential bad outcomes that will probably never happen, and think about all the positive things that can and probably will.
If you’ve ever felt the way I do, don’t be afraid to talk about it with someone. You might surprise yourself.